The Dangers of Women
by Fireness
Summary: In which Mustang must deal with a new aspect of Riza's personality. Forgot to mention before: This is a oneshot.


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Riza gave a small groan and lay her head tiredly onto the desk in front of her. It was late, she had a ton of work yet to do, and her pain killers had long since worn off. _Mustang had better not bother me tonight_, she thought as a sharp pain shot through her_, as I am liable to end up shooting him if he does._

Mustang himself glanced up as he realized he could no longer hear the sounds of his lieutenant's work, and was shocked to see her with her head down. Riza Hawkeye _never_ slacked off on the job, yet there she was, eyes closed and everything. Roy felt a pang of worry strike his chest, causing his heart to quicken pace. Was she sick? Did she need to go home? "Lieutenant?" he asked, trying to keep his fear covered, and failing. "Are you alright?"

Riza shot bolt upright in her seat, knocking her pen to the floor in the process. "I'm sorry, sir, I did not mean to stop working. I won't let it happen again."

He frowned. Not only had she failed to answer his question, but she was apologizing for one slip-up when he himself fell asleep at his desk all the time, especially when they worked this late to get him caught up on his paperwork. "That isn't what I asked, Lieutenant. Are you alright?"

"Fine, sir." Avoiding his eyes, she bent quickly to pick up her pen – too quickly. As she sat up, it felt as though a hundred knives were stabbing the very nerves in her lower back. She let out an involuntary, belatedly-muffled cry of pain and crumpled forward again, careful not to fall off her chair. The feeling did not recede, but worsened steadily.

Roy was at her side in an instant, kneeling next to her chair, trying to peer into her face which she had covered with her hands. "Lieutenant?" He placed one hand on her back to steady both of them and tried to pull her hands away. "What happened? Lieutenant? Are you okay?"

To her utmost horror, Riza felt tears in her eyes and on her face as her commander firmly but gently pulled her hands down. She refused to look at his face, instead closing her eyes, causing more drops of salty water to cascade down her cheeks. She didn't want him to see her at her most vulnerable, but at the same time she could not see how he reacted. She was sure he would be surprised; she never showed weakness. His hand left her back, but he did not pull away, and a moment later she felt it reappear behind her head – just under the hairclip – to guide her upper body forward. She was astonished, but even more so when she felt her forehead come into contact with the cloth of his shoulder. "What happened?" he asked again, in a whisper this time. Something leaned gently against her head – his cheek, she realized. "Are you alright, Riza?"

She swallowed her gasp at his informality. "I hurt my back," she whispered back, more tears leaking onto his shoulder.

"Hurt it? When you bent over?" he pressed gently. She nodded. "Where?" The fingertips of the hand he had rested on her back explored her gently, starting in the middle of her spinal cord. "Here?"

"Lower."

He obliged. "Here?"

"No."

He went even lower. "Here?"

Her only response was a gasp of pain. His expert fingers began to massage the spot, but she didn't relax as he had expected; if anything, she seemed tenser than ever. "Relax," he murmured gently in her ear. "Is it helping?"

"No." Her voice trembled.

He drew back slightly and lifted her tear-stained face to peer intently into her eyes. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Could you please get me some pain killers from the nurse's station, sir?"

He nodded and stood up. "I'll be right back."

The headquarters' first aid station was just about deserted except for one solitary nurse working behind the desk, reviewing some files. She looked up as the Colonel drew nearer and smiled. "How can I help you?"

"I need some painkillers for my first lieutenant."

She looked at him out of the corner of her eyes, as though she didn't quite believe him. "What does your first lieutenant need them for?"

"She injured her back."

"Where?" When he showed her the approximate location on his own back, she smiled, much to his mystification. "And did she have an additional ache in her lower abdomen?"

He stared at her. "What the hell? Not that I saw, no." Frustration and impatience were creeping into his voice. "Look, all she needs are some simple painkillers, so if you would kindly -"

"No, she doesn't," the nurse interrupted.

"What do you mean, 'no she doesn't'!" he exploded. Weaker souls than this Nurse-of-Doom (as he was beginning to think of her) would have cowered at the tone and volume Colonel Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist, was using now, but she merely rolled her eyes and went to a cupboard behind her desk. She returned with a small bottle.

"I mean, your first lieutenant would be better off with a couple of these suckers."

He took the bottle from her to read the label. _'Specially designed to relieve bloating, cramps, and other symptoms of a woman's menstrual cycle.' _"But… but her back…" he stammered, clearly not understanding.

The nurse sighed. "For a man with your reputation, you certainly don't know much about women." He stared at her, aghast. "Trust me, these are what she needs. She took the bottle back from him, shook out two small pills from inside it, and disappeared to get a small cup of water to go with them. "I should know."

He thanked her dully before taking the objects and heading back to his office. Riza was back at work, wincing occasionally as a pain shot through her back or stomach. He placed the items on her desk and stalked over to his own like an embarrassed cat who didn't want anyone to know it had just been clumsy, utterly confusing the woman. Her superior who had been so gentle and caring before was now acting as though he had been completely put out by her request. She stared at him, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

He felt her eyes on him. He looked up and sighed. "Are you going to take those, or what?" She glared at him, then took a mouthful of water and popped the pills in, swallowing the bitter taste quickly. He waited until she was finished before speaking again. "You could have told me, you know. I wouldn't have held it against you."

She gaped at him. Crap, he knew….

"You know," he added casually, "I think I actually like PMS-Riza better than I like regular-Riza –"

She considered pulling her gun on him.

" - because regular-Riza never would have let me hold her like that. I kinda liked it."

This time she didn't just consider it; within a matter of seconds, Roy was cowering under his desk and a bullet had magically appeared in his chair, just about where his heart had been positioned. "I take it back!" he cried, shaking slightly.

"Good," she said, re-holstering her gun. But as he climbed cautiously back into his chair, Roy could have sworn he heard her whisper, "I kinda liked it, too."

Owari

Methinks this is too out of character, yes? No? Eh, I don't really care at this point. 'Twas inspired (belatedly) by Kaiya-Chan's whole "Riza has PMS" scenario in her fic "The Way to a Man's Heart…." It's frickin' hilarious, I advise you to check it out. I swear, one of these days I really am going to finish typing up my other RoyAi fic. It's all written and revised (and it sucks), but my laziness keeps getting in the way.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. It's a pity, really.

Oowah! Was rereading this bit of idiocy and I found a crucial (unimportant) mistake! Why did none of my reviewers warn me? Crappity, I feel like an idiot.

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